Impossible

“There are meaningful words, there are pointless words and then there are words that just hurt.”

The word for today is impossible. It’s a seemingly horrible word filled with detriment and resolve, yet it applies to everything I know. Impossible to give someone a compliment, impossible to make the recipe the same way your grandmother did. Impossible to know everything, impossible to win an argument with a friend, impossible to forget. For those who say ipossible is not in ther vocabularies, screw you. you use it every day… everytime you quit, evrey time you deem yourself too good, too righteous or just too scared to finish.

It’s not something to feel bad about. sometimes things are what they are, and they are impossible. Prime example. It’s impossible not to question. Impossible not to question if things are right.. if things are as good as they should be, question who, question how, question why, always question.

Impossible.. for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage. Impossible. and it was. that was a fairy-tale, and fairy-tales are lies.  They are impossible.

It’s impossible to believe you could function without the word impossible.

on my mind.

3 days until Florida.

double shots of espresso.

a self-regenerating to do list… kind of like the Winchester Mystery House

an obsession/desperate love affair with Pandora radio.

so many meetings I never see my house.

doing my taxes and FAFSA.. and my sisters’… cause I love her.

still losing weight… very happy.

had my zimbra forwarded to my gmail=SO much more organized.

eff

sitting at home on a saturday night with a glass of shiraz… listening to the resounding noises of drama. And what do I do? Say… eff it all. Ah, life.

Save the Dates

After much deliberation and procrastination …. my save the date design is done. Magnet material is on the way and these should be ready to go by Monday

It’s official. I put down my deposit to go to Florida for Spring Break 2010. We’ll be doing community service work, cleaning up the mess left behind by the SB party scene. How crazy SB 2005 for me was also Florida… what symmetry to have your first and your lasts at the same place..

Pro Con lists and mental debates went into the decision, but all along I knew I needed to just jump … no matter the concerns or costs. Not only is it my last SB as a college student, but its one of my last few months as a “single” lady. To explain, this New Year’s I gave myself my own personal resolution. I kept it to myself, but since I’ve been succeeding thus far, I can share. The pact was this; that I needed to do as much as I could to live a fuller life. To stop thinking, just do. To travel as much as possible and be with my friends as much as possible. Maybe I’m wrong, but sometimes I feel that marriage will change all of that spontaneity … like you always have to be responsible, accountable to your partner, etc. Though I know full well that Derek and I will have a life full of adventures together… its different when you’re with your college friends… especially ones you don’t know when you’ll see again come graduation.

So anyway, the trip is only in a few short weeks and I’m getting more excited as the minutes go by. I’ll have to spend some money .. but I know it will be worth it. I feel that travel should never be turned down if you can help it. I can help it… money will be tight for the months after… but I can do it.

So far the list I know if is myself, BigD, Cypher, Starnes and a few other girls that I don’t know. We leave the 6th I believe… I’m stoked.

here’s the website …

http://kirklancaster.com/ktbc/sb09/index.htm

truly, madly, deeply.

Feeling pretty productive today. I’m fighting off yet another cold/flu virus and I’m pretty sure the over-consumption of Emergen-C is giving me an energy buzz. I’m not complaining … in fact I’m beginning to think should take this stuff more often. 

Derek and i have a wedding location – finally. Keweenaw Mountain Lodge it is. We snagged the last date available for summer 2010, a God-given miracle for sure. Everything is now starting to get moving again and essentially falling into place pretty easy. Of course things are bound to go wrong eventually, but for now its cake and I’m enjoying every last morsel. My florist was even impressed with how far along everything is coming and the fact I’ve already thought about things that have yet to be covered. I’ve discovered something about this whole wedding putting together business… if you want it to be simple, it will be. I’ve been getting “advice” from plenty of people that like to over-complicate things… its been a very necessary life-decision to tune them out. 

I’ve also made a discovery about myself during this wedding process. I am incredibly indecisive. Ok, I didn’t need the wedding planning to help me figure that one out. It’s just so many things i can’t make decisions about … for example, grad school or not? MN or MI or CA or WI or New Zealand for that matter? tattoo or no tattoo, another piercing or not? Pursue writing more or let it rest? Spend a year in Vietnam, take a co-op? Quit bartending or not? My head spins, constantly. I can make millions of decisions daily as long as they don’t directly effect my life. Nonsense.

What’s worse it that I’m getting to that age again … the age where friends are graduating, getting married, moving, etc. Matt and Ang are moving to Virginia after my wedding … Joel is contemplating uprooting to Colorado. My local friends … God only knows where they will all end up … spaced out with far gaps between I’m sure. That makes me sad … its like high school graduation all over again.

chaos.

It’s been months … I realize.

School is incredible … incredibly busy, but I love it. I’m taking journalism, forestry, digital marketing, tech comm, and finally … institutions. I’m also sporting 3 jobs and holding an Eboard position on a student organization. Crazy? UBETCHA.

This weekend is … Rally America. My favoritest time of the  year! Once again my organization is assisting the director of Marketing with all PR, advertising and set up of press conferences and displays. I was actually asked to do something a little different this year. The director called me and asked if I would sit in the motor coach with the people who literally direct the event and write live updates for the website, pull photos, etc with another journalist. The other journalist is Jenn Horsey – Xgames driver. I met her last year and with what the marketing director knew about me and my interests in school … he picked me to help out. It’s a huge honor, and an incredible opportunity. I’m very excited.

I feel like I’m living the life of a true college student again. I don’t eat much, I drink more coffee than water, have at least 1 all-nighter a week, scrape together money for bills each month, and live for nights with my friends. It’s an incredible year … I’ve made new friends, grown closer to old ones and I’ve done my best to make time for all of them.

Wedding plans are at a hault. We’ve vetoed the beach club as our reception venue. Too many IF’s … not enough faith in the world to believe it will just “come together” there. It would have been perfect, but my gut tells me its not worth the anxiety. We’re looking at the Mountain Lodge again … if there is any availability left, scavenging for places in Calumet or just pitching a tent and calling it good … for realz.

Alright … back to work. I’ll update with pictures from Rally … I hope!

first day of school.

random thoughts from the first day back to classes…

• Need coffee… now.
• Hate early. must kill early.
• “I tried to do handstands for you, but everytime I fell for you. I’m permanently black and blue for you.”
• I feel old.
• I miss the days of new school supplies. 
• our campus is beautiful.
• thank God for my ipod. 
• I miss my friends. 
• why so serious.
• I like my office. 
• Need another job. great.
• I hate getting bad news.
• I don’t have any books yet. 
• I need a nap.
• 97.7 plays annoying music.

question.

when is the best time to tell someone something horrible? Especially if it may alter your lives forever? Or is it just better to hide it in some deep dark scary place for the rest of your life?

looking sideways.

things aren’t looking up, or down. They’re sideways. Work is good .. fast-paced and full of new challenges that will stretch my abilities as a designer. I’m very blessed. 

haven’t applied for a student loan yet … I’m too nervous. Being rejected for a loan at this point will be a turning point in my life. I’ll need to completely re-direct the path I’m on. Possible? Of course it is. And if it happens, its where God wants me … but it will be abrupt. 

fitness plans are coming along. I haven’t quite gotten into working out in the mornings … a few  yoga poses at most. Everyday there is at least 1 intense workout though … which is a major improvement. Diet is going great, but I’m running out of groceries and money … so we’ll see what I can pull out of my sleeves. 

i’ve finally been able to wake up earlier. as of late it’s been about 7:00–7:20. A major improvement over the usual 8:30 panic. 

money is short. i’m making it … but barely. my eye appointment this week will run me dry and groceries won’t be bought until my next paycheck…

here’s a good one for this week … Matthew6 —”Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^b